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I’m Sick.

February 22nd, 2018

This is hard to admit, but I am not doing well right now.

I’ve been suffering from severe chronic migraines since I was a teenager. Calling them “headaches” doesn’t do them justice; I can’t take aspirin or ibuprofen to help with the pain, I can barely function when they hit, and the recovery is slow and leaves me vulnerable to rebound migraines for hours or days afterwards. I have to spend most of my time walking on eggshells, babying myself and avoiding many of my favorite activities.

I want to be healthy so. badly. I spend most of my days hiding in a dark room, listening to the low hum of a white noise machine while I sip Pedialyte and try not to vomit or pass out from the pain. If I’m lucky, I get two days per week of normal-ish functioning.

I have 10 different medications on me at all times in case a migraine hits. Sometimes the meds do nothing, and I end up in the ER because the nausea is so intense I’m unable to keep pills or liquids down. Even when the meds do work, they leave my brain foggy, zap all my energy, and turn me into a vegetable. I can’t drive, make simple decisions, or remember much of what happens around me. I’ve been on countless other preventative medications and tried a lot of lifestyle changes, but nothing has worked so far. And some of the preventative side effects have been almost as bad as having the migraine anyway.

To reduce the likelihood of a migraine, I’ve tried to identify what can trigger them. So far my list is:

low blood sugar
birth control
hormone changes around my cycle
too much sleep
too little sleep
barometric pressure changes (more than 0.20 milibars per day)
strong chemical smells
severe climate changes
heavy smoke
physical labor
and possibly certain foods

I’m very active on migraine blogs and have tried countless remedies in an attempt to get relief. I receive emails from people offering me advice and I truly appreciate it. Here’s what I’ve done so far:

Lots of medications (too many to list – if you’ve heard of a migraine med assume I’ve done it)
massage therapy
over hydrating (seriously, I drink tons of water)
essential oils
seeing a regular chiropractor
sphenopalatine ganglion (SPG) nerve blocks
CBD oil
every over the counter medicine or migraine remedy I’ve encountered

What I’m trying this year:

Botox (I’m waiting on my neurologist to see if we can try it)
I’m waiting for paperwork for an inpatient headache clinic in Philly. I want to go ASAP. It’s supposed to be the one of the best in the world and I’m hoping they can help identify more effective therapies and reduce my pain.
Elimination dieting
…And whatever else my doctors recommend

My mental health has suffered significantly because I’m sick all the damn time. Being barely able to function makes me feel awful and guilty. The pain, depression, and anxiety pull me into a downward spiral of negativity and wreck any attempts at productivity.

I’m often so weak that I have to rely heavily on my poly/kink family. They are my world, and I am so thankful to have them in my life. When we go out they make sure I have water and snacks, and they watch out for me to make sure I’m feeling ok as the night progresses and I expend what energy I do have. When we stay in, they play video games and watch awful reality tv with me to help distract me, and they take turns rubbing my head and shoulders to help ease the pain. They let me cry, vent, and take me to doctors appointments or hospitals when I’m too sick to function. I’ve always valued my independence, strength, and my ability to lead and get shit done. Not being able to fulfill that strong leader-type of role is really messing with my sanity. It’s very difficult for me to ask for help, admit that I’m sick, and not shine the way I normally do. Simply put, my mind is fierce and strong and my body just isn’t keeping up. I feel like I’m too young and have too much life to live to be inside and in pain all of the time.

But, I’m not a quitter. I’m a problem solver and a hard worker. I’ll figure out a way to make this work and shine again. Sessions are hard for me these days, but I’m actively trying to do more. If you’re looking for services from me, keep emailing me once a month to see how I’m doing. I want to see you, I just can’t when I’m only 20% okay. You deserve me when I’m able to give you 100% of my creative, sadistic self. I don’t do half measures – it’s not how my brain works.

I also get a lot of requests offering help when I’m sick, for massages, food runs, errands, etc. I really appreciate the offers but I’m not generally in a state to receive them. I prefer to hide in a cave only exposing myself to those I trust. You don’t want to serve a Queen who has been in pajamas all day, hasn’t done her hair or makeup and can barely function – and even if you don’t mind, I do. I prefer not to be seen in that light, even by my favorite submissives.

There are a few flavors of help that I’m comfortable accepting in my weakened state: Come to my live channel and hop in chat and talk to me! Send me a nice email. I put things on my wishlist that help like food items, Uber gift cards, etc. Follow my social media and leave nice comments. Just be a decent human being. I notice these things, and I’ll recognize and reward for your kind acts of service when I’m feeling better.

Thanks for listening.


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